Free Soy-based Food. The White House, May, 2029 By Charlton Pressedman The President of the United Socialist States of America, Patrick Cudahy, announced Friday that the federal government will distribute nutritionally enhanced soy-based meat substitutes at various locations both in major cities and rural areas throughout the USSA. The product will be distributed free of cost to cooperative, law-abiding American consumers to mitigate the effects of world-wide food shortages caused by economic downturns. “While I do not wish to exacerbate the panic caused by this rumor of a world-wide economic collapse, I want to reassure each and every one of you that neither I, nor my czars, will allow any law-abiding, cooperative, American citizen or undocumented worker to go hungry while I am President of these United Socialist States of America. The Republican terrorists will not have that victory.” said President Patrick Cudahy at an emergency press conference he called late last Friday night. President Cudahy, best known as a meat packing mogul from Wisconsin, whose family built a multi- million dollar business by smoking their meat products in sweet apple wood, was elected president in 2024 and again in 2028. He was the first American President ever elected on a socialist ticket. Not too much us known about the best remembered alternative parties, the republican and democratic parties, that existed before that time because all harmful books written before socialism became dominant have been turned in or certified destroyed and all record has been deleted on legal techno-media since the people passed the media gatekeepers act of 2025. To protect the people and prevent the cacophony and confusion caused by a "marketplace of ideas," only socialist texts are allowed that accompany the state on-line learning programs provided free to all cooperative, law abiding citizens on the National Cable News Network (NCNN.) These sites will also make available the contents of any bill passed by the Czars once it has been passed. President Cudahy feels it is ridiculous to expect our cooperative citizens to wade through thousands of pages of a bill that the president and the czars have not even yet decided is best for the country If it becomes law, then certainly good cooperative citizens will want to know what they must obey. Most pundits and political analysts attribute President Cudahy’s victory over Former President Honest M. Normon Romney to the temporary disabling of both the Republican and Democratic parties when voice sensitive, deception-detector microphones were perfected in 2023. The press installed them immediately and press conferences became nothing but a cacophony of buzzers and flashing lights indicating deception or lack of disclosure on the part of even our most distinguished leaders. "Honest Normon" and most other Politicians were reduced to stuttering and stammering and, for all intents and purposes, were rendered speechless at press conferences for two years until 2025 when the new New Socialist Party made the use of deception detectors by the press illegal. " It is in the interests of “National Security,” said President Cudahy, "due to the “incapacitating affect of the device on the nation’s leaders.” Later, the NCNN revealed that the deception detectors were defective and planted by the Republican terrorists to "hijack" the elections. That did not explain President Cudahy’s reelection in 2028. In his first term the President had also outlawed secret ballets in any election setting, government, union or even corporate, and, so the "integrity of the process could be protected," had stationed armed guards at all polling stations. President Cudahy won reelection despite all exit polls showing a second term was unlikely. It is now thought that the Repubican terrorists had skewed the polls in their favor hoping to recruit the uninformed and encourage continued resistance to the legal socialist government. "No American will be forced to hide his or her vote in shame. All of your friends in government or in the workplace will know who you are, who or what you voted for and where you live," said the president. "We know that sometimes voters just need to have all the information in order to make the right decisions, so, to better serve the American people, we supply that information right at the polling stations." As an incumbent, the most important issue in the president's platform was his company’s reduction of salt and the removal of sugar and nitrates from a new line of pork products. When asked why removing sugar, salt and nitrates that he put into his products resulted in nearly doubling the price of the products to consumers, President Cudahy replied, “Because the American people are worth the extra money. Nothing is more important than the health of our people, particularly our most precious national resource, little children. We don’t think a price limit can be put on the physical well-being of a nation's children. So, no expense was spared. In short, we think it’s worth a few extra dollars to save your bacon.” Supporters say he was reelected in a landslide on the sound bite: "Vote for Cudahy! He’ll save your bacon.” And a bacon bit was added to the carrot and kelp flavored tofu dish served most days in the government cafeterias. The President, and all the Cudahy family members, noted philanthropists, are especially well known in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area as leaders of the community who have generously contributed to the development of the city of Milwaukee and the surrounding area. Milwaukee, incidently, was one of the nation's first major cities to elect a socialist mayor, and actually had a string of about twelve socialist Mayors back in the twentieth century, ending with Mayor Frank P. Zeidler. In any event, President Cudahy recently hosted a news conference from the nation's auto manufactioner plant, the Packard Cudahy auto factory. The Cudahy family has long asserted that business and government can "partner" in the best interests of the community and the nation. They point to the great strides in drug and alcohol rehabilitation and prison reform through organizations like the Cudahy Foundation for Prison Reform, as well as participating in Milwaukee’s Arts and Entertainment community where all cooperative, law abiding citizens can see plays or listen to music that illustrates the glorious struggle that led to our socialist victory here in the USSA. Moreover, the say their more active participation in the union negotiating sessions has been good for the Global Labor Organization,(G.L.O.) "Just last week alone a bill was passed to require metal gloves for the garment workers. Without the gloves hardly a day goes by in Washington D.C. alone that an employee doesn't prick him or her self while changing a needle," said President Cudahy, "this helps no one. They are useless pricks that don't do any good at all and hurt the garment workers. We think there are already too many useless pricks in Washington D.C. and this was especially necessary legislation." Mr. Oscar Myer, a philanthropoid for the Cudahy Foundation then came forward, “Citizens can obtain their vouchers for the soy-based meat substitute product on-line, through the mail or they can pick them up at their local post office. The vouchers will be good at any approved retail grocer--which includes almost all major Patrick Cudahy stores in the nation's supermarket chain.” As an aside, Mr. Myer, once a meat mogul that rivaled the Cudahy’s business, was driven into bankruptcy when the Secretary of Health and Human Services, Dr. Ghandi J. Jeckle announced that President Cudahy's responsible and dedicated investigators of the Food and Drug Administration’s, (FDA,) Office of Criminal Investigations, (OCI,) found thousands of serious violations and threats to the public health and safety in nearly every plant operated by O. Myer. “Oscar Myer is a real weenie,” said an outraged Dr. Jeckle at the time. The public was outraged that their lives were put at risk. The Oscar Myer scandal was in the national headlines in the mainstream media for months--serving President Cudahy, whom malcontents have always claimed is a media darling. It was ironic that years later, Mr. O. Myer, having emerged from a nervous breakdown with the incomparable wisdom that can only come from someone who has fallen off their rocker and managed to climb back on, now had an unapologetic apathy towards material wealth and was found residing in a Chinese monastery where he was offered and accepted a position in the Cudahy philanthropic organization. He now serves as a spokesperson for the Cudahy Foundation. And, he is a constant reminder to the American people of the beneficence of President Cudahy, our first socialist president, in hiring his old adversary. When the president was asked about the contents of the meat substitute, Dr. Ghandi Jeckle, Secretary of H.H.S. came forward. He said, “The content of the product is yellow, blue and green. It’s been divided into these three color-coded categories: yellow for children, blue for seniors and green for middle-aged people. Each color group has been especially formulated so that three, six once servings will meet all the minimum daily caloric, protein and nutritional needs for a person in his or her group. Yellow for below twenty-five years of age, green for those over twenty-five, but below fifty, and blue for those over fifty years of age.” “Yes Sir, that’s the color, but what are the actual ingredients,” I asked. At that point Harry Hyde of the Department of Homeland Security stepped forward. “And you are? asked Mr. Hyde. “Charlton Pressman from senescentsun.com,” I said. “Oh,” said Harry Hyde, the over-fifty paper. We try to be patient with our old people, so we let you in here, but you do know we won the cultural war and your old-fashioned values are no longer relevant, besides we are also at war with terrorists. The demands of a few no longer triumph over the needs of the many. So try to be a cooperative citizen Mr. Charlton Pressedman, if that is your name.” Mr. Hyde smiled, “we know how you old folks seem to forget your names since the Kavorkian Lottery was passed into law in 2027.” The crowd all laughed. Mr. Hyde went on to explain that the ingredients could not be discussed as a matter of National Security. “I can’t say whether it’s true or false,” said Mr. Hyde, “but, many people believe there is a world-wide food shortage. We must never forget that terrorists have become quite sophisticated since 9/11. Were we to disclose the ingredients of this extra food we have accumulated to subsidize shortages in this country it might give a clue to the source locations of our farms and processing plants. Terrorists would likely target those food sources and processing plants to sabotage or disrupt our food supply--perhaps even contaminate it. Our people are on the job and we would defeat them and interrupt their efforts, but even an unsuccessful attempt on a food source may cause panic in our great country. And, it is our job to make certain the people never panic.” “I don’t see how simply telling us what we are eating can hurt...” I began. Mr. Hyde glared. “You have been answered. This is not a debate. Perhaps you should eat a blue tube right now; we have a few extra ingredients for our seniors to help calm them down. Just as our yellows have a little fairy dust for the kiddies that helps them sleep, and our green has a little ingredient to help the people keep their number of children down to one." Mr. Harry Hyde was reputed to have silenced a "right to procreate" protester one sunny afternoon when the woman responded to the government's proposition that each couple must be allowed 1.7 children over the next generation if we were to achieve zero population growth. The woman, who seemed not to realize the constitution was an outdated document, asserted that was ridiculous on the face of it. She said she already had two babies and certainly it would be impossible to reduce one of her babies to seven tenths of a child. "What's more," she had said, "I have a right to the pursuit of happiness and due process and this government does not have the authority to impose a ridiculous, and impossible number like seven tenths of a child on a family. Washington legend has it that Hyde invited her to wheel her baby stroller into his office. After a few minutes a limousine arrived. The crowd heard a blood curdling scream and shortly after she and a plastic bag were placed in the limo. That was the last time the woman ever spoke, although she and one child were sometimes seen at the Cudahy recreation park. Soon after the "Solomon Solution" was passed into law for parents who had a second child without special dispensation from the government. Right now, it was apparent Hyde was becoming very impatient. He began to respond when the president touched his shoulder and stepped forward. “I think what Mr. Hyde means,” said President Cudahy, “is that when gramma and grampa have full tummies, they’re much happier. Does anyone else have a question for Mr. Hyde?” “Mr. Hyde,” three months ago at the president’s scheduled press conference, you also indicated that since we have no more off shore detention of terrorists and since terrorists have been assimilated into the populations of our prisons, and, in the case of terrorists from the drug cartels, assimilated into our drug and alcohol treatment facilities, the Department of Homeland Security had to closely monitor all prisoner or recovering addict communications. And, in some cases, discontinue their privilege of communicating with their families entirely. Since that time there have been a number of complaints from family members that have not heard from the prisoners or addicts in recovery and many have…” “What’s the question?” interrupted Hyde. “The question, Sir,” said a young reporter who wore a clean yellow shirt tucked into his light brown khakis instead of a government issue beige shirt. He seemed unconcerned that it was a blatant violation of the national gender neutral dress code and that the shirt looked like it was manufactured in an illegal home shirt shop. “is how much can we subordinate individual civil rights in the interest of National Security? People want to know why they are not hearing from their family members?” Mr. Hyde frowned, “Again, this is a matter of national security. These are people who have been separated from society for a reason. At the very least, they are malingerers, liars and petty thieves who place their personal agendas above the harmony of the society, at worst…” "Sir,” said the reporter, “it was just a few short years ago that we found the leaders of the country could not even function without deceiving us to achieve their personal agendas. If the leaders are deceitful, is it reasonable to expect the citizens to be truthful?” Mr. Hyde continued to frown. “This is not a debate. I’ll thank you to wait until I have answered a question before you speak, and then ask a relevant question of fact when you do speak,” said Hyde. He then went on. “First, I want these informal complainants who have not gone through proper channels and who ferment discontent to understand that they are in danger of losing their status as “cooperative, law-abiding citizens,” he paused to make certain that was understood. "That aside, it is widely known that we use prisoners and recovering addicts as well as youngsters in orphanages to provide labor for the state production of this food. How else could we provide it free to our citizens? It is little enough to require of these people that they give back some of what they have taken from society.” “What have orphans taken from society?” asked the young reporter. “The orphans are there to receive costly training that will enable them to lead productive lives in the private sector upon leaving the state institutions. In fact, a small group of them are of great value to us in determining whether children raised by our state-certified professional physiologist care-givers and given every psychological and educational advantage are better off than children raised in the haphazard, inconstant environment offered by their biological parents. But the other children and the convicts and addicts are of no value to this society, except in their ability to process and provide food for more cooperative, law abiding citizens. Remember, the needs of he many outweigh the rights of the few, especially when the few are these undesirables that don’t contribute.” President Cudahy quickly stepped forward and said, “Of course, we feel every child is a national treasure and a resource for our future.” “I’m sorry,” said Hyde, “What I meant to say is there has been nearly a complete lack of interest from the cooperative, law-abiding citizens in what has happened to them. Since we began, hundreds of thousands of these undesirables have gone through our program, and we have only a handful of complaints from a few troublemakers on the outside--usually the old people that still live in a pre-culture- war paradigm of individual rights over the rights and needs of a harmonious society. Our young cooperative, law-abiding citizens have said nothing.” Dr, Gahndi J. Jeckle came forward and said, “The health and well-being of the nation was foremost in all of our minds when we began processing of this delicious, nutritious and, I’m told, very tasting soy-based meat substitute for our people. Feel free to taste a sample from the bins as you exit the room.” President Cudahy Stepped forward and said, “I feel we have answered all relevant questions here, and I know the American people are satisfied that we are acting in their best interests.” At that point, as small light flashed on the young, outspoken reporters mike; a nearby national news reporter screamed, “He has a forbidden deception-detector on his mike.” A homeland security officer ran up to the reporter, “I execute you in the interests of National Security,” he simultaneously placed a six inch, stainless steel, ice pick at the base of the reporter’s scull, careful to cup the mouth for sound and so no fluids would splatter clean suits or endanger any cooperative, law- biding reporters in the room, he expertly drove the shaft deep up into the man’s brain, killing him instantly, but preserving his stem cells. “In the interests of National Security, I want that body immediately refrigerated,” said President Patrick Cudahy, " and in the name of the people's garment union, confiscate that yellow shirt." As we left the room, I noticed small plates of the soy-based, meat substitute on tables in the hall outside the door. I picked up a green piece and tasted it. “mmm, tastes like sweet apple wood.” Soon, everything seemed all right. The End |