| This article is not meant to support the North Korean Government. It is an exercise in satire poking fun at a variety of perspectives. I am sympathetic with my South Korean Neighbor and regret that she has suffered because of the political situation in Korea. I am completely in support of our American republic and respect many of the people mentioned in this piece. But, at this point, we still have freedom of speech here, and I plead that this is my right just as you have the right to say the piece is ignorant and unfit to print as well as the right not to read it. By SenescentSun June 2011 North Korean leader Kim Jong-il threatens to initiate nuclear war if America continues to aggress against him and his people. Democrats and Repubicans check polls then, acting quickly, each blames the policies of the other for impending doom. North Korea declared war on South Korea and the United States and warned the two countries not to aggress against the North Korean people. Kim Jong-il, the Chairman of the National Defense Commission said, "You risk nuclear war and you put all mankind in jeopardy. I am a venerable elder and leader of a great people who work together for the happiness and joy of our society. We strive to protect ourselves from your lust for wealth and power and find the arrogant, condescending attitude of your leaders offensive. Your country has the highest rate of crime, suicide, homicide and incarceration in the world, yet you disdain and insult our way of life. Moreover, you flaunt your status as a nuclear power like an abusive parent with a cane. Because you behave so childishly, we must develop nuclear capability to defend ourselves. Even now you taunt, mock and insult me and release a condescending statement that offends the millions of people who recognize me as the leader of North Korea. You are going to force war." The white house quickly decided the best thing to do was taunt, mock and insult Chairman Kim Jong-il and released a condescending statement world wide which said Kim Jong-il, much beloved leader of North Korea, was a spoiled child that "craves" their attention, and he would not get it unless he behaved. The United States congress was even more outraged and immediately launched a media attack against Kim Jong-il to gain the support of Americans, as well as lodged a formal complaint with the United Nations. In the complaint the United States Secretary of State complained that the word “mankind” was an insensitive act of sexism that ignores the reality that nearly 53% of the people on earth that will be annihilated are women. That is offensive screamed Alice Acadamae, who claims to represent the concerns of all women on the planet and assures us any woman who is not in agreement with her is an idiot. Secretary of State, Hillary Rotton Cliphim said, “If everyone on earth is destroyed in an upcoming Nuclear War, more woman would be killed than men and the word "mankind" does not give women credit due them for their contribution to the staggering number of human beings killed. I have fought for the rights or working-class women to be enslaved in factories, incarcerated in ever higher numbers and to be maimed and killed in war. I will not allow this sexist exclusion of women from total annihilation. In an uncharacteristic show of support for the east coast elite, "Fair and Balanced" Fox News reported that despite that liberal, ivy-league academia is a herd of in-bred, self-serving, amoral, unconscionable, lying commies, who influence political policy through their half-baked left-wing theories and who are in denial that those theories have had the obvious result of tearing the country to shreds and heaping mountains of misery and depths of despair on the people of the United States of America and will be responsible for our ultimate destruction, "Fair and Balanced" Fox News, reported that a few individuals at Harvard seemed genuinely concerned about the eradication of all womankind and mankind. “This is thexisthm on an internathional scale; it’s tho big it makths my heart flutter,” said young Randy Vander Dandy III with a smile and a wink, “I’m going to tell Mummy to tell those people who know the people who can do something, to do something to hurt the people that are going to kill all the people and not even give the Hilly and the girls credit. Mummy would do anything for Hilly.” Randy Vander Dandy III is a descendant of the seventeenth century Dutch attorney/trader, Eric Vander Dandy, famous for taking a small group of starving immigrants, of various European origins, and giving them just pennies, a little food and enough guns to decimate a population of poorly-armed native Americans near what is now New York. Attorney/trader Eric Vander Dandy then declared ownership of “everything, everywhere around here and with the help of enterprising Native American mercenaries, violently enforced his ownership claims. Later, to his dismay, well-armed English troops arrived and the Native American mercenaries went with the big money. Vander Dandy did what East coast elite lawyers do when faced with an adversary they can not defeat, and no chance of getting rich: he stole what he could carry and deserted the still starving immigrants. The indigionous peoples immediately slaughtered the remaining settlers, stole their firearms and used the superior weaponry to steal a neighboring tribe's land before settling in as professional killers for the British east coast elite, occasionally picking up side money modeling as "victims" for liberal artists. Fox News also denied adamantly they have linked the legend that Kim Jong-il’s birth was heralded by a rainbow over the Beakdu Mountain to the gay and lesbian movement. “The “rainbow connect” to the prominent communist’s birth herald is not a connect to the gay community,” said Shawn Tweedledee, noted spokesperson for the Fox News point/counter point show, Tweedle dee and Tweedle dummer-than-dee. Wild Willy Wiley, said pithily, that it is important to remind the leftie-Commie-traitors that no accurate count of the number of women on earth exists at this time. It could be most of the people on earth are men and only a small number are women. I certainly haven’t been getting too lucky lately. There can’t be that many women left so “mankind” could be the correct expression for Kim to use. Wild Bill Wiley also said technology tells us that we can not be absolutely certain that no humans at all would survive. He said that in ninety-three of six hundred forty-one computer generated simulations of a nuclear holocaust initiated by North Korea small pockets of people burrowed into mountains or hiding many miles below the earth, and people launched into orbit would have a 36% chance of survival if they didn’t return to the surface for at least twelve to fifteen years. The Extra terrestrial satellite would carry only frozen fertilized human eggs and an automated computerized incubation and rearing process would be initiated upon return to the planet. DNA from as many species as possible would also be collected and included should the human eggs make it to maturity and be able to intitiate a replenishment process. “But hot damn," said Wiley, " you save a batch of us righties in a mountain somewhere, and who knows how fast we could repopulate into a 1940s Paradise of Black Butlers, fainting females and solid glass ceilings. This thing could be do-a-ble,” screamed Wild Bill Wiley at Fox News, “Bring those little slanty- eyed devils on; I’m going home for my whip and leathers.” “Bill, the point is it is madness to enter into endless bickering about gender issues while the world is under the threat of nuclear war. We have to have some sense of priorities,” Fox’s Fetchen Gretchen said, as she crossed and uncrossed her legs for the camera, “Although, if the world is going to end, I wonder if grip number two would meet me in my office once we’re off camera…Oh my God, Brian put your shirt on. Cut! Cut! Just turn that camera off. Brian, you, you dirty little boy, come here and get your spanking.” Watching from her living room in Wisconsin, little Jane asked, “Grandpa, Grandma, is there going to be a war that kills everybody.” "No sweetheart," said little Jane's Grandma. "Our leaders are intelligent men and women, intent on serving our country and fervent in the cause of world peace. Also, and just to be safe, we have an unbiased, objective news media watching out for all of us. It's true they do seem to bicker with, argue with, and lie to, and about each other just like selfish, greedy little children, but they would’t politicize something as serious as a nuclear war to the point where they can’t stop themselves from blowing up the world. No one would do that to millions of innocent people." The End |